I think a lot about you. Even more so today. I’m selfish about it, too. I think of how different my life would be now, if you hadn’t walked into it and left then. That’s disgusting to me. Why is it about me? You’re the one that felt so much pain. You’re the one that needed help. I don’t blame you. I really, truly don’t. I wish I could’ve helped you. You helped me. Where would I be now, if you hadn’t shown me the consequences?

It’s been five long, tiresome years. It’s been five quick, amazing years. It’s been a lot since you left, and I wonder where you’d be now. So often I look at milestones through your eyes. You would’ve graduated with me this past June. Or would you have? Maybe you’d have moved? Or took a gap year? I come up with scenarios, in which we would’ve shared classes, teachers, interests…We could’ve been great friends. I wish I would’ve been nicer when I’d had the time. You were a great joy to see work. Always smiling. It goes to show how much a smile can hide.

I miss you. I always will. But I want to thank you, for the last five years have held some of the best experiences for me, and I never would’ve witnessed them without your push, without your will.

I hope, wherever you are, you’re well. You deserve the world, sweet girl. May you not only be resting, but laughing, singing, smiling as you always did, in peace.

All my love to you.

February 9th, 2008.

I. can’t. wait.

Camp is finally over. Well, technically, it’s been over for a couple weeks, but I just saw my last camp friend for a while so it feels like it just ended. I put up a new countdown on my blog counting down to Winter Camp. I don’t even know if I’ll be hired back, but it makes me happy knowing that it’ll be there just in case.

I move in to my dorm tomorrow…more on that later? I need to go pack.

I’ve been gone for the last three weeks away at camp. I just realized I have to take down my countdown that has been on my blog for 137 days. Jeezy Creezy. Oh well. I’m off for another two weeks tomorrow, and then I get four days off and leave for my final week in August. See you on the flipside, Tumblr.

…and okay, all of a sudden, Jeremiah from “Glee” appears on my screen. Like what? So many ties it’s weird…this kid was on “Glee” with Darren Criss, who used to be on “Eastwick” with Ashley Benson, who is a star of “Pretty Little Liars.” Ummm…

sweetdreamery:

So many emotions have run through me today. I’m really overwhelmed right now, so I’ll try to keep this as terse as possible:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

No matter what you say, hear, or do. I will be here for you. I don’t care if we haven’t even spoken. I will listen. No judgments. I never want any of you to feel like you need to give up; that that is your only option left, because it’s not. Please, come talk to me, if you ever need anything. As I’ve been told countless times, suicide is a “permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Please, from the bottom of my heart, don’t give up. Laugh, cry, smile, love, whatever…just live. I promise you, it will get better. Life is worth it.

Reblogging myself because this is relevant right now. I mean every word just as much now as I did then.

I’M GOING TO COLLEGEEEEEEE.

I finally watched the finale of “One Tree Hill” and I can’t really accept that it’s over. This show has been constantly there for me through good and bad times. I wish that I could make this sound pretty, but I honestly can’t even think up words to describe how much it has affected me.

I identified so much with Peyton Sawyer, and no other TV show has taken the risk of showing someone like her, or me, in this case, to a public audience. I knew from the moment I saw the way she and Lucas Scott reacted to each other in episode 1, that she had something to prove. She was so vulnerable, but had so much to show for it. Even after she left, every storyline kept me engaged all the way through the 9 seasons of the show. Clay and Quinn brought innovation. Brooke and Julian deserved the best. Mouth came so far. The children are so so adorable. And Nathan and Haley, another staple for me, made my heart melt in every scene.

And the music. Oh, goodness. The music. “One Tree Hill” showed me that it was okay to love music. That it could get me through absolutely anything because it would never go away, because as we all know well, “people always leave,” but music never does. I grew up with the characters and as their music taste changed, so did mine.

Though only 187 hours of content, I learned more from the writing of “One Tree Hill” than I have in school. Each classical writing piece that was brought up made me appreciate it so much more because it had relevance to me—it wasn’t just some old book, it was something that could get me through another situation. Each opener and closer monologues from the episode affected me, and many I have memorized and written in places for reminder—that it’s okay to trust, it’s okay to be yourself, and it’s okay to love.

In fact, “One Tree Hill” taught me how to love. That sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s really not. It taught me that each moment we have, each decision we make, has a purpose. That finding who or what you want with you when all of your dreams come true—and what those dreams are—is what life is all about.

There’s so much more that I wish I could say about this fantastic show, but I’d rather leave it with one of the many quotes that left me wondering:

“At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes… all you need is one.”

—Peyton Sawyer, “One Tree Hill”